When social justice warriors forget how to be empathy MVPs

One week ago I was shamed in a private forum by a group of people—who are ostensibly “empathy MVPs”—for the way in which I framed my anger and frustration. For me, the most disappointing part of this whole experience wasn’t the actions of the few: it was just a single person (Seraphim*) who initially confronted and corrected me. A second (PeachyKeen*) jumps in to validate and reinforce the first. And then 11 others piled on by “Like”ing the response. A grand total of 12 people out of a forum population of 290 actively felt I needed to be publicly called out. The great disappointment is that of the remaining 277, only one thought to reach out to me and understand my perspective. (Thank you, Kesha*, you are the real hero in this story 💖) The rest (to paraphrase John Stuart Mill) looked on and did nothing.

 

This forum was set up in the wake of George Floyd’s murder for employees and volunteers at Crisis Text Line to organize and push for progressive change in an organization that has been plagued by racism and a toxic work environment since its inception. It is laudable that a few, passionate people would devote their valuable time and energy to organizing in this way, and it speaks to the importance of the issue to them.

 

Until this incident, I had been a relatively active member of the nascent community, posting well over 100 times: links to relevant content, ideas, perspectives, support for other members who were struggling… The trigger for me was when Crisis Text Line management “postponed” (canceled) a series of Q&A sessions with the community “to ensure we’re thoughtful about a more comprehensive plan for addressing your questions and ensure we can share as much as possible.” To add insult to injury, they released a “FAQ” cherry-picking questions and giving condescending, facile “answers.”

 

I was venting about this all, ending with the middle finger emoji (🖕) to punctuate my anger. However, because I had been previously texting with my best friend in the world—who happens to be black—the default skin tone for the emoji had be set to Fitzpatrick Type VI: 🖕🏿

 

Now believe me, I get how for some people (and especially BIPOCs), a Caucasian using a darker skin-toned emoji might bring up some feelings of appropriation, oppression, or another negative ascription. But remember, the entire population of this forum are crisis counselors. All have been through extensive training, which includes material like this:

 

Empathy is the foundation of supporting others. In practice, empathy is being there with the texter, attempting to step into their shoes without pretending that we understand exactly what it’s like to walk in them. It’s leaning into the conversation with the texter and inviting them to open up more. We don’t shy away from their difficult experiences; instead, we want to make them feel less alone.

 

This is different from sympathy because we aren’t feeling sorry for the texter and expressing regret for their situation. We don’t pity them. And, we don’t try to distance ourselves from how difficult the situation is. We actually stay away from saying “I’m sorry” because it’s a way to show sympathy. Texters reach out because they are looking for a connection—not pity. We trust their lived experiences and attempt to see their perspective. In short, we meet them where they are by actively listening….

 

But you didn’t do that, did you? Instead, Seraphim posts: “Please don't use a Black emoji if you're not Black - which I'm assuming you're not from your profile picture. Especially since you used it to curse. There is a range of skin tones for emojis available to use. Black and other darker-toned emojis were created for people of those skin tones to express themselves.” PeachyKeen—who is Asian, not Black—then jumps on the pile: “i agree with Seraphim. using a Black emoji when you aren’t Black is essentially digital blackface,† like when nancy used an animation of a Black person to represent her voice in a CTL video. it has the same harmful implications and effects. there is a way to show your frustration without using emojis meant to represent not only Black folx’ skin tones but their voice as well.”

 

After our private conversation, Kesha broaches the subject again in the public forum, pointing out another member—Barry*, who is not Black—posted a reaction GIF of a black woman responding in a stereotypical way (a.k.a. “digital blackface”) without admonishment. In that ensuing discussion PeachyKeen doubles down: “…i hope that what i said about dave is taken as just pointing out something done wrong that could have been done better, and that you all are welcome to call me out in such a way at any time if i do something racist, sexist, etc. it is not personal against dave’s character.” Here I am calling you out, PeachyKeen. what you are doing is deeply depersonalizing. You immediately jump to negative judgement and then “corrected” it, making absolutely no effort to try to understand my perspective or even try to have a conversation with me about it. I truly am baffled how you are able to help texters through their moments of crises given your clear empathetic obliviousness.

 

And the saddest thing of all of this: I bet Seraphim and PeachyKeen—smug in their confidence that a grievous wrong had been righted and righteous social justice had been served—simply moved on with their lives, giving no further thought to the interaction or the damage it may have caused. And the others looked on and did nothing.

 

I’m done with that forum. They clearly are not my tribe. I have so many other places I can devote my time and energy—places that embrace my perspectives, engage with me when there is conflict, and work to make sure everyone feels heard, understood and welcome. As I pointed out to Kesha in our private chat:

 

I’m just tired. I don’t have the energy to do this. 

[Taking flak for my posts on] CTL management was bad enough

But then to also face pushback [on the emoji] and no one (save you) really taking my side… it’s not worth it

The only reason it’s being discussed [now] is because you [Kesha] are driving it forward

Left alone, no one would think anything was the matter

And THAT is the problem

 

 

*names have been changed to respect privacy

 

† An alternate perspective from Tiffani Ashley Bell, an actual Black person: “No one’s getting hurt, and in the grand scheme of everything going on in our world, white people using dark skin-tone emoji falls very low on the list of things that are fucked up right now… I get that it might look strange to use an emoji of a different skin tone. But people can’t afford water and the United States has no leadership in the White House right now, so who cares?”

Comments

[nunya]

Aw crap, I can't delete first message myself. Mind doing that for me? :)

[Dave Cortright]

You can email me. My address is linked in the right column of the blog. :-)

[nunya]

https://www.quora.com/Why-are-microaggressions-related-to-being-a-social-justice-warrior