KPAO by Dave Cortright

When social justice warriors forget how to be empathy MVPs

One week ago I was shamed in a private forum by a group of people—who are ostensibly “empathy MVPs”—for the way in which I framed my anger and frustration. For me, the most disappointing part of this whole experience wasn’t the actions of the few: it was just a single person (Seraphim*) who initially confronted and corrected me. A second (PeachyKeen*) jumps in to validate and reinforce the first. And then 11 others piled on by “Like”ing the response. A grand total of 12 people out of a forum population of 290 actively felt I needed to be publicly called out. The great disappointment is that of the remaining 277, only one thought to reach out to me and understand my perspective. (Thank you, Kesha*, you are the real hero in this story 💖) The rest (to paraphrase John Stuart Mill) looked on and did nothing.

 

This forum was set up in the wake of George Floyd’s murder for employees and volunteers at Crisis Text Line to organize and push for progressive change in an organization that has been plagued by racism and a toxic work environment since its inception. It is laudable that a few, passionate people would devote their valuable time and energy to organizing in this way, and it speaks to the importance of the issue to them.

 

Until this incident, I had been a relatively active member of the nascent community, posting well over 100 times: links to relevant content, ideas, perspectives, support for other members who were struggling… The trigger for me was when Crisis Text Line management “postponed” (canceled) a series of Q&A sessions with the community “to ensure we’re thoughtful about a more comprehensive plan for addressing your questions and ensure we can share as much as possible.” To add insult to injury, they released a “FAQ” cherry-picking questions and giving condescending, facile “answers.”

 

I was venting about this all, ending with the middle finger emoji (🖕) to punctuate my anger. However, because I had been previously texting with my best friend in the world—who happens to be black—the default skin tone for the emoji had be set to Fitzpatrick Type VI: 🖕🏿

 

Now believe me, I get how for some people (and especially BIPOCs), a Caucasian using a darker skin-toned emoji might bring up some feelings of appropriation, oppression, or another negative ascription. But remember, the entire population of this forum are crisis counselors. All have been through extensive training, which includes material like this:

 

Empathy is the foundation of supporting others. In practice, empathy is being there with the texter, attempting to step into their shoes without pretending that we understand exactly what it’s like to walk in them. It’s leaning into the conversation with the texter and inviting them to open up more. We don’t shy away from their difficult experiences; instead, we want to make them feel less alone.

 

This is different from sympathy because we aren’t feeling sorry for the texter and expressing regret for their situation. We don’t pity them. And, we don’t try to distance ourselves from how difficult the situation is. We actually stay away from saying “I’m sorry” because it’s a way to show sympathy. Texters reach out because they are looking for a connection—not pity. We trust their lived experiences and attempt to see their perspective. In short, we meet them where they are by actively listening….

 

But you didn’t do that, did you? Instead, Seraphim posts: “Please don't use a Black emoji if you're not Black - which I'm assuming you're not from your profile picture. Especially since you used it to curse. There is a range of skin tones for emojis available to use. Black and other darker-toned emojis were created for people of those skin tones to express themselves.” PeachyKeen—who is Asian, not Black—then jumps on the pile: “i agree with Seraphim. using a Black emoji when you aren’t Black is essentially digital blackface,† like when nancy used an animation of a Black person to represent her voice in a CTL video. it has the same harmful implications and effects. there is a way to show your frustration without using emojis meant to represent not only Black folx’ skin tones but their voice as well.”

 

After our private conversation, Kesha broaches the subject again in the public forum, pointing out another member—Barry*, who is not Black—posted a reaction GIF of a black woman responding in a stereotypical way (a.k.a. “digital blackface”) without admonishment. In that ensuing discussion PeachyKeen doubles down: “…i hope that what i said about dave is taken as just pointing out something done wrong that could have been done better, and that you all are welcome to call me out in such a way at any time if i do something racist, sexist, etc. it is not personal against dave’s character.” Here I am calling you out, PeachyKeen. what you are doing is deeply depersonalizing. You immediately jump to negative judgement and then “corrected” it, making absolutely no effort to try to understand my perspective or even try to have a conversation with me about it. I truly am baffled how you are able to help texters through their moments of crises given your clear empathetic obliviousness.

 

And the saddest thing of all of this: I bet Seraphim and PeachyKeen—smug in their confidence that a grievous wrong had been righted and righteous social justice had been served—simply moved on with their lives, giving no further thought to the interaction or the damage it may have caused. And the others looked on and did nothing.

 

I’m done with that forum. They clearly are not my tribe. I have so many other places I can devote my time and energy—places that embrace my perspectives, engage with me when there is conflict, and work to make sure everyone feels heard, understood and welcome. As I pointed out to Kesha in our private chat:

 

I’m just tired. I don’t have the energy to do this. 

[Taking flak for my posts on] CTL management was bad enough

But then to also face pushback [on the emoji] and no one (save you) really taking my side… it’s not worth it

The only reason it’s being discussed [now] is because you [Kesha] are driving it forward

Left alone, no one would think anything was the matter

And THAT is the problem

 

 

*names have been changed to respect privacy

 

† An alternate perspective from Tiffani Ashley Bell, an actual Black person: “No one’s getting hurt, and in the grand scheme of everything going on in our world, white people using dark skin-tone emoji falls very low on the list of things that are fucked up right now… I get that it might look strange to use an emoji of a different skin tone. But people can’t afford water and the United States has no leadership in the White House right now, so who cares?”

Why crisis counselor volunteers should refuse to work for Crisis Text Line until meaningful change is made

I have personally stepped away from volunteering as a crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line (CTL) platform. I offer my perspective here in the hopes that other crisis counselors might join me. From all the evidence I've seen in the behavior of CTL management, I fear the only way to get their attention and foster meaningful change is by engaging in civil disobedience by refusing to volunteer so that it materially impacts CTL's ability to achieve its goals.

 

And believe me, I get it—the thought of not helping someone in need when they are reaching out is painful. I trained for this specifically because I want to help people through their moments of crisis. I myself have lived experience; I myself have checked the first three boxes of the ladder-up risk assessment at my lowest point in my life. I now have the skills and the conduit to help people no different than me, save a further moment in time. To actively choose not to do so is not a decision I arrived at lightly.

 

CTL management know that we are empathetic. They know that we want to help texters. And they know that—despite all the Sturm und Drang that has roiled the organization over the past seven weeks—their KPIs (key performance indicators) have never looked better. The pandemic prompted a surge of crisis counselors on the platform. New cohorts were graduating to take real conversations, but also veteran counselors who had lapsed in their service were inspired to dust off those skills and step up to help with the deluge of new texters reaching out due to COVID-19.

 

It has come so sharply into focus for me that the rot within CTL’s management did not begin and end with Nancy Lublin. She was merely the scapegoat which the board and remaining upper management conveniently used in a thinly-veiled attempt to absolve themselves of the responsibility of the chronic racism and toxic workplace environment that has plagued (and still continues to plague) CTL from the beginning; indeed, the template for this toxic team tenor was imported verbatim from DoSomething.

 

With each passing day and nothing of substance to show, it is clear that no one remaining wants to be held accountable for past and present transgressions; and even worse, there is no mature management willing to enforce such accountability. They’ve made vague promises to do better, have responded to “How can we trust you?” with “Don’t worry; trust us!”, have feinted at feedback forums, only to have them turn into didactic, condescending lectures or canceled altogether at the last minute.

 

It is clearly a culture of fear and survival, where people will say and do whatever to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions or even—and especially—their inaction in the face of corruption. The board knew about all this over two years ago. They took superficial and ultimately impotent “action,” and they never followed up to see if it worked—an act of willful ignorance. These people already failed the organization in a fundamental and profound way. And now we are expected to believe these clearly-incompetents are the ones to lead us out of the mess they failed to clean up the first time around?

 

Here are the current members of Crisis Text Line’s board of directors who were also present when the now-infamous March 2018 memo outlining racism and other toxic workplace behaviors. They must be held accountable:

• Danah Boyd
• Dena Trujillo (perplexingly now the interim CEO)
• DJ Patil
• Elizabeth Cutler
• Jeff Lawson
• Rob Stavis

Barring any external influence, it is obvious inertia will win the day. So it is up to us to exert that external influence and make Crisis Text Line as great as the board purports now; as great as it should be. I see three vectors of influence:

1. Donors and Partners—if the people underwriting this enterprise and associating with you lose faith and the funding dries up, that will necessarily force either change or closure.
2. PR—undeniable public reporting got Nancy fired, but the board scapegoated her and the press moved on. A resurgence of unflattering press will further shake the tree and let loose the bad fruit.
3. Crisis counselors—this is where you come in, my friends. If the unpaid backbone of their operation dries up and they can no longer fulfill the fundamental purpose for their existence, change will come.

Let me validate you 100%: not helping texters when you are able is painful. But teachers not teaching blameless students because school districts aren’t treating them with due respect is painful; refusing to be drafted to fight in an unjust war and being punished for it is painful; showing up for a peaceful protest in solidarity with all humans—regardless of color—and having police beat you and gas you and shoot you with less-lethal munitions is painful.

 

I embrace my pain in this moment so that we all may not suffer needlessly onward indefinitely. In support of a cause bigger than myself, in support of an interest in making things better, I choose the painful path.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

The racism and toxic workplace environment at Crisis Text Line has been reported on by The Verge, CNN, the NonProfit Times, Mashable, Civicist and Medium; also be sure to read the negative reviews by employees posted on GlassDoor as well as the reports from ex-employees on Twitter.

 

[If there are any typos in this piece, I’d definitely appreciate you letting me know. 🙏🏼]

 

Congress: It is imperative you do everything in your power to stop Trump’s gestapo. NOW.

I never thought I'd ever need to send a message like this to my elected representatives in Congress, but here we are—the first industrialized banana republic on the path to collapse spearheaded by a racist narcissist-in-chief and aided and abetted by a submissive sycophantic Senate. 😕

If you agree with me on this one, please do reach out to your congresspeople and express your opinion on this (or any other) issue you feel is of urgent action. We are still a representative government, and we need to let our representatives know what we care about.

“It is imperative you do everything in your power to stop Trump’s gestapo. NOW.

There are clearly a LOT of issues going on all at once right now, but it is so clearly obvious that Trump trying to push us into a fascist state is by far the most troubling and urgent. The continued existence of our country depends on correcting this. Please fight this with all the power and leverage and voice you have. And please let us—your constituents—know how we can best help support you in your efforts. Thank you.”

My thoughts on why LIENs are fighting so hard for schools to reopen in-person this Fall

To quote from this satire piece on McSweeneys, “[We] will proceed as if everything will be okay because we really, really want it to be.”

There are a class of parents I call LIENs—litigious indignant entitled narcissists. Their self-worth is very much caught up in the success of their kids, so their kids must have ALL THE THINGS to ensure they can crush the competition of their lesser peers. In-person instruction is one of those things. They don't want to be bothered with the details of the pandemic and safety concerns. They want others to “nerd harder” and figure out a way to make things safe for their kids in-person. (But of course if the district does allow in-person instruction and their kid gets COVID-19, you can bet your bottom dollar they will be suing the district for negligence.)

Also they are likely both working parents, and god forbid either of them even think about taking some time off from their very important jobs to help with the education of their children. They pay taxes for the school district to both educate and babysit them during the day. They shouldn't have to make any sacrifices in this pandemic. That is for the rest of the world around them to do.

My thoughts as a Crisis Counselor on where I stand in relation to Crisis Text Line right now

It’s been a month and a week since Nancy Lublin’s ouster as CEO for racism and fostering a toxic work environment. (More reporting on this from CNN, the NonProfit Times, Mashable, Civicist and Medium; and be sure to read the negative reviews by employees posted on GlassDoor as well as the reports from ex-employees on Twitter.) I—like many of my Crisis Counselor peers—have since struggled with my relationship to Crisis Text Line (CTL) and how that might look going forward. On the one hand, I am passionate about the mission and I find helping texters through some of their darkest moments to be both emotionally exhausting and deeply rewarding. On the other hand, it appears the racism and toxic work environment runs deep at CTL, and simply removing the most visible offender without any other substantive internal changes—including and especially to the board that allowed this abusive behavior to continue unabated for over two years after they were made aware of it—does not instill much confidence that things will truly change in CTL’s culture.

 

However, I am heartened by the latest email in which they reported hiring a law firm to conduct an independent investigation into the organization’s history and culture. I do hope they disclose the name and any ties to CTL, its board members or employees to ensure it is truly a comprehensive and impartial evaluation.

 

The best analogy I’ve come up with for where I am in relation to CTL and to our texters is this: I’m in a committed relationship with a spouse (CTL) and children (texters). Recently a huge, secret betrayal has been revealed (e.g. a long-term affair) that has seriously strained the relationship. We are in couples counseling working on it, and at times things look promising. But other times, it looks like my partner hasn’t really changed and the relationship may have to end.

 

Despite that, I still care about my kids (the texters) passionately, and I want to show them nothing but empathy, compassion and support, regardless of the issues I’m having with my partner and the final outcome of whether or not we stay together. Ultimately, If I feel like things haven’t really changed, I can choose not to stay in what I consider an emotionally abusive relationship, and I can support my kids through another partner (Lifeline Chat, California warm line, TrevorChat, RAINN chat, Runaway Hotline, NDVH, 7 Cups …). [OK, the analogy breaks down a little here… 🤷🏽‍♂️]

 

One more thing: in the latest email update, Bob says “the Town Hall format didn’t work.” That is true, but it is the lesser of the takeaways from that event, and it is disappointing they didn’t acknowledge the much bigger elephant in the room. The messaging was tone deaf, and it started with the very first line in the recording: “I don’t know about you but I’m pretty clear that I think the people in this country need you now more than ever…” Why not just be vulnerable and contrite and come out and say that it is *CTL* that needs us now more than ever? If it’s the country that needs us, I’m happy to go work with another org that provides a similar service that treats its staff and volunteers with more respect. It feels manipulative to me, like they are saying "Sure, maybe we messed up; but you can’t go, because think of all the people who need your help!" TBH it feels like the apology of an abusive spouse.

 

Clearly I’m still processing all of this, but that’s where I am right now. I’m only 7½ hours away from my 200-hour commitment. I’m going to keep working the next 2 weeks to meet my commitment. By then the next Update + Q&A Session will have happened, and I can reconsider how I feel at that point.

 

Thanks for listening.🙏🏼🤗❤️

 

Update: July 24, 2020

Crisis Text Line management abruptly canceled the Q&A Sessions they had scheduled with their crisis counselor volunteers and instead issued this anemic “FAQ”, somehow believing that it’s vague, superficial positivity would appease us. I feel completely disrespected by them. And at this point, I don’t think they are capable of substantive change. The KPIs they are using to track success have never been better; As long as that continues, they have no real incentive to change anything.

 

I am grateful for the training they provided to me and the opportunity to help people in emotional crisis and to grow as an empathetic and compassionate counselor. I plan to use these skills to continue to make a positive impact on the mental health crisis in our country. I’m just sad it won’t be with Crisis Text Line.

 

I am reminded of this quote by organizational design expert Arthur Jones: “All organizations are perfectly designed to get the results they get.” Crisis Text Line needs to fundamentally change the design of their organization starting with the board if they expect to get different results. Otherwise they are merely rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

 

Buying a car as an analogy for reopening schools during the COVID-19 pandemic

A neighbor on NextDoor (of course) is miffed that public schools aren’t offering the choice for parents to send their kids to classrooms in person. Here was my response:

This is equivalent to you buying a car, but you want the choice to have it without seat belts, antilock brakes, airbags and all of the other safety features. The manufacturer says we cannot give you that choice because those features not only protect you, but everyone else in society. And you are upset because they aren’t honoring your ability to choose. You are trying to compel the public schools to offer a “choice” that is demonstrably against public health interests to satisfy your own personal interests.

William Pryor—descendant of Charles Darwin—delighted to finally publish data on human ‘survival of the fittest‘ study

BRISTOL, UK July 17, 2020 — Fulfilling one of the last unmet desires of Charles Darwin, William Pryor—great great grandson of evolution’s progenitor—is poised to publish initial data on a study envisioned by his famous ancestor.

“While all of the data he collected from the animal kingdom fit beautifully with his overall theory, G.G. Grampa [Charles Darwin] still felt that in order to truly solidify his work, he needed to include some experimental data from Homo Sapiens. Unfortunately there never was an ethical way to run such an experiment. That is, of course, until now.”

Now that people around the world have been self-selecting into the experimental groups envisioned by Darwin’s theoretical—but completely immoral—study, Mr. Pryor has been furiously gathering the data and sorting them into these groups.

”Sweden has really done a great job establishing the control here,“ said Pryor. “Contrast that with countries like Finland, Croatia, New Zealand, and Mongolia”

“And now we even are seeing more fine-grained data coming out of the USA with Florida, Georgia and Arizona voluntarily moving themselves into the control,” exclaimed Pryor, his voice elevated in pitch and tempo, nearly tripping over his words as he spoke. “I couldn’t have engineered this any better myself if my name were Eduard Wirths. Gosh, look how excited I am!”

He noted that the data is coming in from literally everywhere in the world, which will help him eliminate any possible experimental bias. “Age, gender, race, education, socioeconomic level, medical condition… we are going to have enough data to slice and dice any way we want. Which is awful. But also great. What scientist wouldn’t be thrilled to have so much data to support their work?”

While he is cautious that any conclusions from the first tranche of data is preliminary, it does show a high correlation between infection/mortality and those with demonstrating cognitive biases. “People who score below average on Conscientiousness and Agreeableness, and above average on Neuroticism [3 of the big five personality traits from psychology] are 2–10× more likely to contract the virus. Personally I would have thought it to be more correlated to physical health. But that’s why we do scientific experiment, right? Hypotheses need to be proven or disproven by the data.”

When asks how he thought Charles Darwin would react to all of this, Pryor became introspective and solemn. “I think he would appreciate having the further scientific validation of his theory, but not at the costs we are seeing to human life and society. He would take no pleasure profiting from the pain we are collectively experiencing right now.”

“Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to work. The data has been coming in with increasing volume—a nearly exponential curve, if you will—and I don’t want to fall behind.”

CC BY-SA 4.0

British writer Nate White on Trump’s lack of humor and other deficiencies that make him ill-fit for office, or really any place in society

The Washington Post published an op-ed by Richard Zoglin purporting that Trump’s sense of humor is akin to that of Andy Kaufman and Sacha Baron Cohen. (It's so toxic, I won't even dignify it with a link.) This strikes me as an anthropomorphic epitome, equivalent to ascribing wit, grace and charm to a wilted turnip rotting in the sun.

As a counterpoint, I present this fantastic piece of prose from British writer Nate White. It’s is a year old now, but still so amazingly apt. Note the abundance of alliteration. Awesome.

---

“Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem.

For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honor and no grace—all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed.

So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.

Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing – not once, ever.

I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility – for us, to lack humor is almost inhuman.

But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is—his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.

Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers.

And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults – he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.

There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface.

Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront.

Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul.

And in Britain, we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist.

Trump is neither plucky nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that.

He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy or a greedy fat-cat.

He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.

And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully.

That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a sniveling sidekick instead.

There are unspoken rules to this stuff – the Queensberry rules of basic decency—and he breaks them all. He punches downwards—which a gentleman should, would, could never do—and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless—and he kicks them when they are down.

So the fact that a significant minority—perhaps a third—of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think ‘Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:

• Americans are supposed to be nicer than us and most are.
• You don’t need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.

This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss.

After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum.

God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid.

He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart.

In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws – he would make a Trump.

And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish:

‘My God… what… have… I… created?

If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set.”

 

From the WHO: People should NOT wear masks when exercising

“People should NOT wear masks when exercising, as masks may reduce the ability to breathe comfortably. Sweat can make the mask become wet more quickly which makes it difficult to breathe and promotes the growth of microorganisms. The important preventive measure during exercise is to maintain physical distance of at least one meter from others.”

https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public/myth-busters

Regarding those people who are “not doing things the right way” on NextDoor— one perspective

To me, the thing that most degrades the quality of NextDoor are the posts about other people “not doing things the right way” with no apparent introspection for how the post helps—or in the vast majority of the cases, does nothing to—reduce or eliminate said behavior.

 

Some things to potentially consider before writing up your next “they’re not doing it the right way” post:

1. Do you think the people engaging in said behavior are on NextDoor?
2. Even if they are, do you think people who would choose to engage in that behavior will suddenly see the light and change their errant ways because of your post?
3. Are you an expert in the rules and regulations regarding said behavior? There are a lot of nuances to most situations, even ostensibly simple ones.
4. Have you pursued official channels for reporting/enforcement of said behavior?

 

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, then please consider your true motive for the post. It could simply be you venting about how the world isn't the way you would prefer it to be. And you know what? I get it. It's a great, big world and there's a huge swath of  behaviors I  don't agree with. But I also know that posting a rant about it to a small group of neighbors—99–100% of whom do not engage in that behavior and probably agree with me—will not improve things. Ask yourself: “Will this actually help fix the problem, or is it just an expression of anger and frustration?”

 

And yes, I understand that some might find this ironic—me posting about people on NextDoor not using it in the “right” way. I don't see it that way. I see it as posting an observation about how some have chosen to use NextDoor. I have no expectation that anyone change their behavior based on this post. But I do feel that increased awareness of other perspectives such as this once might lead to more thoughtful and compassionate use in the future. And if nothing else, at least I was able to vent about it to my neighbors. 😉