Results tagged “humor” from KPAO

A couple of my favorites:

The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht.

Alf Seegert
Salt Lake City, UT

Faintly silhouetted against the shadowy murk of a nameless Devonian sea, the Megalodont shark was unaware of trilobites foraging in the primordial ooze not far below, trilobites that unlike the shark’s cartilaginous being would become part of the fossil record of an ancient seabed that would in time heave up, dry out and go through the crusher at the Marulan Cement Works somewhere north of Sydney, Australia.                                                                     

John Mackesy
Victoria, Australia

Read more here.

Thankfully I haven't had anything as bad as this happen to me, but the experience rings true.
Read the comic

Here was my favorite laugh out loud moment:

If you're a fan of the Banff Mountain Film Festival like I am, then you'll appreciate this parody of the "passionate athletes participating in an obscure outdoor activity" documentary. I love the details, like the "waking up early to drive to the ideal location" meme.

I regularly take my dogs to Fort Funston in San Francisco. It's the most dog-friendly park in the Bay Area. It's also where local hang gliders go to ride the updrafts against the cliffs. And every time I see them, I think of this cartoon. You can get it on a t-shirt over at Busted Tees.

It goes to 11! or in this case, 202%

While watching the winter Olympics, the inherent randomness of the biathlon came up. cross country skiing and shooting? That's like the Chewbacca defense. It does not make sense.

So I got to thinking, what would be an equivalently random biathlon for the summer Olympics? Swimming and grenade throwing, of course! Swimming is vastly superior to running or biking since there is water involved: more chances for a live grenade to slip out of the competitors hands and end up in the pool. And of course grenades because that's just awesome, am I right?!

So you do like 30 laps in the pool—any stroke you want—then you pull a grenade off of your ammo belt, pull the pin, and chuck it at a target 30 meters away.

I'm hoping it's at least a demonstration sport in 2012.

Coming to theaters whenever there's nothing else good playing, it's Movie Title!

Inspiring final lines of a speech that douchebags will quote in their Facebook profiles!

And now, some filler bullshit story to pad the nightly news.

This is brilliant:

And so is this:

Follow along with the lyrics here.

Know of anything similar? Let me know in the comments!

or maybe it's more like Dances with Wolves. You decide.

A DVD rewinder? Seriously!? No one is stupid enough to buy one of these, are they?

I had the pleasure of attending the midnight screening of The Room over the weekend in San Francisco. I was a little bit worried about high expectations. I'd heard so much hyperbole describing the movie, that I thought there was no way it could live up to expectations. But, as one review writer on Amazon said:

There is something so magically wrong with this movie that it can only be the product of divine intervention.

So true, so true. He goes on.

If you took the greatest filmmakers in history and gave them all the task of purposefully creating a film as spectacularly horrible as this, not one of them—with all their knowledge and skill—could make anything that could even be considered as a contender. Not one line or scene would rival any moment in The Room.

The late night screening was key. While you can buy the DVD or download it online, you're not going to get the magical mixture of standard audience responses ("what candles? what music? what sexy dress?") and truly inspired improv commentary. As a noob, I was even inspired to add my own, largely through the enthusiastic efforts of the brash young girl seated to my left, clearly a Room veteran.

But enough of my yapping. You can get a taste of it yourself with the trailer:


Or check out this excellent in-depth analysis on Trinity News. Happy Rooming!

There is a whole sub-culture on Amazon where people write mock reviews of outrageous products. The first one I saw was the gallon of milk, which prompted the rather obvious review:

1 star: who the in the world buys milk on the internet?!

And thus was born a new art form: the review-as-entertainment. This unassuming gallon of milk now has over 1,000 reviews, including this nod to Poe. Then other products got the mock-review treatment: the Badonkadonk tank; 1 qt of wolf urine; a $500 audio cable; some uranium ore; a book of random numbers.

But my favorite as of late is the Laptop Steering Wheel Desk. The reviews are funny, but the customer images are the best.

In a word: awesome.

“So come on down to Cullman Liquidation and get yourself a home. Or Don't. I don't care.”
[Cue eagle scream]

I Love Local Commercials

Yes, they are a bit offensive to some (so if you easily offended, I suggest you move on), but these are some of my favorite jokes:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

in your pool?
Bob

in your hot tub?
Stu

on your front porch?
Matt

in your mailbox?
Bill

hanging on the wall?
Art

on the BBQ grill?
Frank

and his sister?
Patty

in a hole in the ground?
Phil

lying next to a hole in the ground?
Doug

stuck in a bog?
Pete

in a pile of leaves?
Russell

water-skiing?
Skip

on the beach?
Sandy

under your car?
Jack

under your bed?
Dusty

on a tree limb?
Leif

and his brother?
Bud

on the side of a mountain?
Rocky

lying on the railroad tracks?
Spike

What do you call a gal with only one leg?

Eileen

What if she's Japanese?
Irene

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him out for a drag.

Here's a screenshot of two stories right next to each other on Reddit:

Wow. Ex-Microsoft executive Jim Allchin apparently released an album today. And it is pretty awful, judging from the 30-second previews on Amazon. I'm not really a fan of his singing voice, but the lyrics are particularly painful:

I believe in trying,
I believe in flying,
I believe the innocence of
take a chance on love.

Fast forward if you will
I got some job, it ain't no thrill
I want to play, but I need dough...

Is it just me?

He's a fun trick: go to the Google main page, and start typing something in the search box like "stupid things" and the box will fill with some "helpful" suggestions (#2 most popular: "stupid things sarah palin said").